It’s weeks before the end and nothing in me wants to keep going.
Sat down the other day and tried to define myself. Not for a paper, a job, or anyone else, simply for myself. In doing so I found myself staring at a long list of superficial, temporary ideals I’ve picked up along the way. Ideals that were not mine to start, nor would they support when I was called on to identify myself. These were shortell ed characteristics that helped me fit in and accept the unorganized uniformity found in those around me. But in my attempts to fit in I stood out. My demeanor, the dresses two inches too short, the shirts cut low, the bras of false hope cried out in my awkwardness and gave me away. Turning away from the lies I often told myself, I found truth in consistency. It was the values that I embraced as a child that I found comforting me when I declined visits to the local watering hold. Instead I would stay in and nurture my soul, finding solace in the books that lined my apartment wall. And when I am called upon to identify myself…I only hope that I can share truth.
It’s impossible to exist in two different worlds. At some point you need to choose one.
1. Write your dreams down and pin the paper somewhere obvious.
2. Take it one step at a time, and one day at a time.
3. Make sure your dreams are realistic, and the timing is right.
4. Be completely honest about the costs, and what it’s going to take.
5. Once you’ve made the decision, plan…
“When you feel perpetually unmotivated, you start questioning your existence in an unhealthy way; everything becomes a pseudo intellectual question you have no interest in responding whatsoever. This whole process becomes your very skin and it does not merely affect you; it actually defines you. So, you see yourself as a shadowy figure unworthy of developing interest, unworthy of wondering about the world - profoundly unworthy in every sense and deeply absent in your very presence.”
– Ingmar Bergman (via peachgrl)
“I am not a graceful person. I am not a Sunday morning or a Friday sunset. I am a Tuesday 2 a.m., gunshots muffled by a few city blocks, I am a broken window during February. My bones crack on a nightly basis. I fall from elegance with a dull thud, and I apologize for my awkward sadness. I sometimes believe that I don’t belong around people, that I belong to all the leap days that didn’t happen. The way light and darkness mix under my skin has become a storm. You don’t see the lightning, but you hear the echoes.”
– Anna Peters. (via citrone-meringue)
Not in a good space. Keeping quiet to avoid bringing everyone around me down. But on another note I can’t wait to put back on my running shoes.
Carrot Slaw with Cranberries, Toasted Walnuts & Citrus Vinaigrette…RECIPE
Trapped by circumstance
Caged by my reality
Nina Interview - College Students
…why am i so insistent upon giving out to them that blackness that black power that… pushing them to identify with black culture… i have no choice of it in the first place. to me we are the most beautiful creatures in the whole world black people and i mean that in every sense. outside and inside, and to me we have a culture that is surpassed by no other civilisation but we don’t know any thing about it… my job is to somehow make them curious enough or persuade them by hook or crook, to get more aware of themselves and where they came from and what they are into and what is already there and just to bring it out. this is what compels me to compel them and i will do it by whatever means necessary.